I have re-enrolled in Uni. After more than a year focusing on my mummy duties I have to say I am EXCITED!
I have no idea how this is going to work, Max is obsessed with the laptop so I cant use it with him in the same room, even if he is playing or watching thomas the tank engine he will simultaneously stop, drop and roll on over to me to begin his screaming which doesn’t make for a productive study environment. I’m hoping two hours a day will be ample time seeing as i am studying part-time that way i can sit down and smash it out while he sleeps. Im saying that Im worried optimism isn’t going to get me through this, last night i was up with him from 1-2 am then again at just after 4am until 7.30am and i am positively ruined today! I didn’t even get out of my nightie until well now to be honest. This morning I managed to vac, mop, And make a banana cake with my 14 months old son on my hip! talk about task-ercise! who needs exercise. I might have to have a friend babysit a couple of hours a week, If I can be away from him =) Anyway one step closer to a careered mummy! Business mum here we come!
First world problems.
We all have them, those things in our lives that really shit us off.
Weather its other people getting us down, (everyone seems to be an expert these days) the fact that you can never seem to afford that new Smart TV. (or anything you’ve been saving for, except the speeding fine you scored yourself). Or your sister stabbed you in the back and told your dad why you are upset with him.
For some reason it’s become increasing common to hear the phrase ‘first world problems’ (said with an accusing tone of course) I can’t stand it, its like, My problems are still problems regardless of where in the fucking world I live. ITS ALL RELATIVE!
Yes I’m certain you wouldn’t hear a poor Nigerian woman with 4 children, complaining about how she payed 65 big ones for the worst mani-pedi of her life, or how increased petrol prices have really effected her weekly budget. Its not always about money. She probably also wouldn’t notice if her youngest son was a little messy with his food, or be upset that the train has been delayed and she might be late for work. I imagine she’d be bothered by things like the fact that she has to walk the kids 25 klicks to get drinking water for the day because her husband is no longer around.
Im no being ignorant or insensitive, Its excruciatingly upsetting that there are human beings in the world that suffer, their pain is relative to their situation, and its horrible. And yes yes yes we all should be doing more to rectify world poverty. We are so lucky to have the lives that we have here in Australia, even the poorest of us are rich by comparison. HOWEVER like I said its all relative and im shitted off so don’t tell me that I have no right to have issues
I fully resonate with this post by Marie at Presents of mind! have a read! it makes me feel comforted that I am not alone in my hundreds of failed creative journey’s.
Originally posted on Presents of Mind:
It’s a given you won’t finish every story or novel you start writing. I mean, some of your efforts will be pure rubbish. You open that graveyard of failed stories in the drawer or file. You know the one I mean. And you cast a cold eye over the mess in there. It’s fine, you say. You just got that feeling that none of those stinkers were going anywhere. You started out on fire, but it fizzled maybe a quarter or half-way through. You stuffed those reekers in there and hoped you didn’t ever lay eyes on them again. You can’t quite bring yourself to trash them or toss them into the fire. They did have some life for awhile, after all. But you hope no one ever, ever finds them, much less tries to read them. They were just practice, after all. So, you slam the drawer or file closed…
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Sleep deprivation will play a small part in your Wife’s temporary insanity. In the first few months, you may witness a number of breakdowns, meltdowns and shutdowns and realistically, the Wife you knew may be gone, along with her personality and sense of humour for around twelve months. Sometimes less. Sometimes more. She may (almost definitely will) also be suffering from DMF.
My husband reckons I actually threatened him with a knife during a particular meltdown. I can’t remember this and in my defence I was probably just chopping some veg and just so happened to gesticulate the knife in his general direction whilst making a very important point. My husband and I are still together and thankfully he hasn’t got any major scarring. However, I thought I’d put together a few pointers to new Dads, to help give them a slight indication of what they’ve said which resulted in…
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I just got a lovely text from a girl in my mothers group, she wanted to thank me for something I said to her last week when we caught up with the bubbas. I Told her that apart of being a good mum was being able to financially provide for our children as well as being there for them. She was feeling horribly guilty. She had just gone back to work after a year off raising her gorgeous little boy and was feeling like in a way she is failing him or letting him down. He was hysterical when she dropped him at childcare and she could barely hold it together for the entire first week back. The poor thing I felt horrible for her, Parenting seems to be all about the toughest decisions, and for us mums we still feel guilty regardless of the decisions we make. Am I here for him enough?, Does she feel like I have abandoned her?, When we’re tying controlled crying does he hate me? Even though the decisions we make are in attempt to make their little lives better, we always experience an internal struggle and then feel horribly guilty forever about it.
My mum used to say to me when I was a child, Being a parent is one big guilt trip. I HATED it! It used to make me feel like It was my fault that mum didn’t like being a mum, but even though she did say it in a rather abrasive way, I do understand what she meant now that I myself am a mum. Its not a guilt trip because that implies that we (me and my sisters) intentionally and probably unnecessarily made her feel guilty. Its not that our children make us feel guilty we just do because what our babies want and what is good for them are usually completely the opposite. Even what we want for our children and what is best can be different for example I hate being away from Max, I miss him so much even for an hour but is it better for his confidence and independence if he was to be in childcare once a week purely for socialisation? Probably, but who knows! I feel guilty that we have chosen to have one parent as a stay at homer because we would be in a far better financial situation if both of us worked. But at the same time I couldn’t leave max Id be completely useless at anything because he is the only thing on my mind!
Guilt is a funny thing. I think that being a parent is all about making tough deciosions that we can stick to, its not a constant guilt trip if we can back ourselves and support each other when we are having a weak moment. We should be confidant because I guess at the end of the day no one knows whats best for our babies but us hey! I hope I can find the balance soon!
I Cut up Mag after Mag, to add to a collage of pictures I have collected, aptly named My Mood Boards. Not because they reflect my mood at all. Thats a lie they do. They are supposed to help me create my dream home. I DONT HAVE A DREAM HOME. In-fact I don’t have a home at all. We are RRRenters. I hate it.
Never the less I have accumulated around 25 different mood boards that include anything from intricate decorating ideas to where I can find the perfect slab of marble for my dream splash back in my dream kitchen. I would kill to buy a house right now. My Fiance is probably ready to bludgeon me to death with my mood boards because its all I ever talk about. I don’t care.
So this past weekend was spent in regional victoria. Bendigo to be precise. On the hunt for the perfect home. I figure it will be easier to break into the stupid housing market in regional victoria because, you know, everything is cheaper. (except that he will have to spend 15 hours a week on the train and lots of $$$ on his Myki) But I have him convinced this is the only way it is possible for us to start paying off our own asset rather than someone else’s for once. I have family in Bendigo anyway so I will be able to get a part time jobby (if I am a completely different person by then and I can actually leave my baby. I doubt it)
Regardless of our dire financial situation, I am completely obsessed with ‘Playing House’ I have even booked a mortgage broker to come over Saturday to tell us yet again than we do not in-fact qualify for a loan. from any financial institution. anywhere in the world. It should be an interesting meeting. I have even organised for Jakes parents to be there in case max isn’t to keen on listening to some stranger bat on about mortgage insurance and stamp duty. And lets be honest they may as well know about exactly how much money we earn and what not its not like they don’t already think we could never achieve anything on our own.
The Block has started for another year thank god. I was starting to get into the big bang theory. I wish I could go on the Block but I have no idea who the hell my partner would be seeings as Jake can barely open a jar and I quite obviously am no builder. anyway its on so Bye!